To Whom So Ever It May Concern

Complicated

2008-05-18T19:33:00.002+05:30

Sometime I feel growing up has brought with it so many complications, so many responsibilities, so many emotions. It was so easy when you were a child, you really dint care about anything. You had no responsibilities, no social preferences. Ironically we wanted to grow up really fast then.

Now I have such rigid social preferences, am so clueless how to handle the myriad emotions I'm afflicted with.
Why do we feel so alone in this very crowded world sometimes? And yet many time you just wan to be alone very well knowing that when you are alone you'd want company.

Inconsequential Friend

2008-05-18T19:15:00.002+05:30

A friend of keeps raving about how amazing her best friend is and how not many people have a freindship as theirs. It is rather insenstive of her to do so. It makes me feel like what ever I do, compered to her "best friend" I will never measure up, whatever I do will never be even as good as her.

To her I'd say: Then why do you still be freinds with us, if you've got everone you need from her? Are we just for entertainment? I know I haven't been good. And even though so many years I've been trying so hard to recognised as a good freind by you, I thinks its time I stop, trying so hard. And though I really like your best friend in a long term sort of way, which I haven't told her, she reminds me of my "inferiority" to her.

Taken For Granted

2008-05-18T18:38:00.002+05:30

Why do we take our parents love for granted?
I had an exam recently and since I have been known for my laziness at getting started a, friend of mine said she'd totally "party" with me if I got a good score. Now my parents have always tried to give me such incentives and, I'm not ashamed at saying this as I should be, they haven't really worked. This time I really wanted to do well not 'cause the doing well matter to me but having fun with my friend really did.

Is it because with your parents, you eventually get what you want? Or do we just take their love for granted? Why do we make light of their expectations from us?

Small Acts of Kindness

2008-04-22T09:55:00.001+05:30

One day as I was zooming to office, I see this guy trudging along the road with a laptop and a shoulder sling bag. I stop and offer him a lift. On the way I discover he is an intern in the office located in the same building as me and stays right in my society.
Ok so we work out, that he’ll travel with me everyday. At first I said why not, it’ll help somebody out. After a few days I realize I liked traveling alone for those few minutes, it was my space that I dint really want to share. Since I had committed I used to take him and bring him back, albeit a little grudgingly.

Most time I dint want conversation, not because I dint like giving him a lift, just sometimes like to keep to myself and riding home after a hard satisfying day at work always is a part of that time, riding into the sunset with the wind in my hair. On the other my friend always wanted to talk, ask questions.

One day he was leaving for Delhi and had a bag, so he had called me up in the morning and said that he had a small “bag” and hoped we’d be able to manage it on my bike. So I told him not to worry we’d manage it. For my comfort more than his I decided to take the car.

The other he called and said that he’d returned last night and was leaving for home, Kerela, the next day and he was thankful for me him taking him to office. I say it’s not a big deal and I was doing anything out of the way for him and e dint need to thank me for it. Then he said was that I was one of the most helpful people who he had, had the fortune to come cross and ask why would that be. He said that I will always remember that you brought the car that day I had a bag and I haven’t come across or think of anyone who do that.

The only things that came to my mind were, I wasn’t very friendly with him, more often than not, and I certainly dint take car just to help him out. Having said that, the compliment did make my really hard and long day much better and it really was just what I needed that day.

There are two points that I’m trying to make here, especially to my friends, first is that you shouldn’t thank me so profusely for those “act of kindness and helpfulness” for you really aren’t aware of my motives which aren’t always pure. And secondly and most importantly, that one must always commit small acts of kindness, whenever we can, for they have effects we cannot foresee and they do really mean a lot to those we help!

Take care. Be well.

Why machines are easier to deal with

2008-04-12T16:45:00.002+05:30

- A machine doesn't take offense when its not in the mood and you make jokes.
- You don't get emotionally attached to a machine beyond a certain point.
- Unlike with human beings you don't have lopsided, dysfunctional relationships with machines.
- You never feel that you give/invest more than you receive from the machine.
- You don't feel that your best machine doesn't share with you anymore.
- A machine responds when you poll it.
- A never is never so busy to spend a minute with you.
- Machines don't have issues with other machines you know.
- Machines don't forget about you.
- Machines don't value you less than you value them.

The missing string

2008-03-23T22:57:00.003+05:30

There was once a necklace bead collector he had wanted to collect all the special bead and he used to collect every bead he thought he would be a part of that necklace. He also thought that he may, just may, have found the most important of the beads. He was happy with all the beads he had. His pearls he used to think of them. But he wasn't satisfied with just that, all the beads individually made him happy but dint mean or make something collectively. When he wasn't admiring one bead or another he wasn't very happy. For a long time he couldn't discover the reason for his unhappiness, until one day he understood that he is missing the string to bead them all together.

But he dint know where to find the string nor how it looked nor what it was made off. Nor even if he did find it how to string the beads into a necklace.

After Work

2008-03-12T21:37:00.005+05:30

So its been five months that I've been working and I've really got used to it now. I really enjoy what I do. The thing that I've come to realize from my experiences and my friends, is that most of us feel this void after work, we feel lost.

Once I'm back and I've had my dinner, I really don't know what to do or what I'd like to do. I begin to wonder why this is so? How come it is only now that I feel this blankness? As night draws near and it time for bed, feel this urge to do something fulfilling, satisfying in my life. The only thing that's changed is instead of college I go to work. Of course there is a huge difference in what happens in those hours outside the house, but once your back its pretty much the same, rite?
What did I do in those days after college? Not much, hardly anything in fact, but I never felt this void.

I guess this is where hobbies and interest come in hand. But every time I think of inculcating something, there is always something that hinders it, an upcoming exam, a responsibility in the office. But I've always believe only those who take time have time. So I shall order my life and fill the gaps. There is much to do and much to enjoy.

Have fun.

Coming Back Together

2008-03-03T22:05:00.002+05:30

Its been a long time, but nothing reportable has happened, good or otherwise. Been having a good time, renewed interaction with my friends, long conversation and midnight ramblings.

The period after such encounters is one which makes you un-flippant and pensive. Its the relishing in the after glow of the sunset or the residual taste of chocolate.

Its taking quite a lot of restraint not to express my true feelings to the girl I like. Hope there will be the opportunity, when the time is "right". Till then I'm happy being a good friend.

Have fun!

Her Old Self

2008-02-20T23:15:00.003+05:30

A very dear friend of mine was her old self again today.Though I've been speking to her on and off, it'll felt as if I'm speaking to her after ages.

She hasn't been her self since months really and everytime I meet her or spoke to her felt like something from my life was missing. I alsways tried to cheer her up joke around like I always used to but it only had the opposite effect. But today, though we din't really speak much, it felt really great to speak to her again.

I thank you for those moments of joy. And I'm glad you were happy aagain.

Be well!

A Lost Virtue

2008-02-20T00:09:00.002+05:30

I have been realizing for some time that our generation has an evolutionary disadvantage. We lack patience. We want everything right now or as soon as inhumanly possible.

We have been used to our parents providing everything for us, when we need it however we need it. So, at least I (not that I have ever taken advantage of, it has always been strictly on need basis not desire basis), have never known what it is like to plan for something, wait for it to take shape, make long term plans and provision. I have always had it easy. Anything that I ever wanted in life up to now was provided for or readily available or acquirable and I’m not talking about just material things.

So now when it my time to step up plan my life, make a career, make a life, I get really impatient at the pace things move. I want things to settle down fast and they never do. As soon as there is any hint of things adjusting to each other a little indication of approaching order, the forces that act beyond my understanding introduce a new variable. And that unbalances the equation.

A case in example; having just settled down in my internship, rather happily, there come the suggestions from almost everyone, that I seriously ought to do a masters. The problem being that the examination that I need to appear to enable me to seek admittance to a college is not very difficult but has a lot of rote learning to do, which I have never managed to do even if my life depended on it and my life has depended on it. To ease my conscience, my argument is: that I’m really not someone who will sit at a (big) company 9 to 5 behind a desk. One may argue that I like my current company, where I sit all day happily willingly, which makes me rather hypocritical. But that is because the work there is really great and the setup of my company is really research oriented, that offers me the opportunity to do something new, exciting and cutting edge almost everyday. I learn a lot here, which wouldn’t be the case elsewhere. Also that I’d rather be innovative and entrepreneurial and setup something on my own which once stabilizes wont require too much attention from me and also pay well. So that I can go pursue my long list of to-dos before this journey ends. Also my dad plans to start something of his own though not in my field of interest but would eventually enable me get to my field later. So having these facts in mind I think learning hands on at my present company that at some college will enable me to do that more effectively and sooner too. So having paid up to take the test and the date nearing, and not having studied one bit for it I want to cancel (I’ve never been known to take the hard-work route), but I cannot bring myself to waste a large chunk of the fees. Of course none of this helps nor does it make it any easier only eases my conscience only for a little while. And even if I postpone it I know I’m not going to study anyways.

But whatever.

I know I started off with somewhere else and ended, almost, at another place. But all this and more not that is related to my professional life upsets a lot of my equanimity. When I really want things to settle down at least for a while and I really want to get to point where things are moving in the right directions if not entirely but with a certain degree of smoothness all this makes me impatiently unhappy.

Anyway I doubt anyone is going to struggle through this piece, and you really shouldn’t have, but if you have I thank you sincerely for having taken the interest and I sincerely apologize for the dribble. And if you are upset at what a waste of your time this has been, you really should have heeded the warning.

Be happy!

Friends

2008-02-20T00:05:00.000+05:30

I have been feeling a little lonely since some time now on account of almost all of my friends being too busy even drop a line. I have never really had too many friends nor have wanted too many friends. A few good one’s that mean the difference is all that I need (doesn’t everyone).

I miss those college times when we dint belittle our concerns and discussed them aloud, looked for comfort from our friends, discussed the contents of uneventful simple days. When we wanted to share even the smallest of things with them and not feel childish immature or even odd and when we didn’t think, “why would he/she be interested”, when we were unreserved. Now they hardly share you hardly share and even if you some concerns or something to discuss you are unenthusiastic and they are unresponsive. All of us want to but an unidentifiable lonesome-ness has crept in all our new adolescent lives and the magnitude of the task ahead of us just makes us listless and reserved. We are distancing ourselves from ourselves. It isn’t how any of us had imagined it.

I wish it wasn’t so and that we could just leave all our “over-bearing” concerns aside and laugh with each other for a while, enjoy a moment together as we used to.

I was reading a post on The Journal of the Meandering Muse about fair and foul weather friends. My question to her would be, is it worth it when those foul weather friends of ours are only there in foul weather and not in the fair weather where you’d like to rejoice the small mercies of our lives? Well as everything this too shall pass!

Be well!
Listening to Don’t Know You Anymore by Savage Garden and it reflects my feelings.

2008-02-18T21:32:00.001+05:30

"It’s all about speed isn’t it. One thing to another; never standing still."

Silent Night

2008-02-10T02:53:00.000+05:30

On this cold winter night,
I see Orion shining bright,

As the distant highway I hear,
I wonder why I'm here?

As the soft breeze awakens the leaves,
I look at a sky whole, with each star battling the cold alone,
I wonder why this hole I feel,

Off all these shining stars I see,
I search for one who understands,
I look for one to care,
I look for one to share,

As the Bear chases the Pole,
On this cold winter night.
_____________________________________________

My first (not so successful) attempt at poetry. I got sudden inspiration at 4am last Sunday. You don't really understand the subtlety of poetry until you actually compose one. There so many things you can mean at once, and yet you don't know what it will mean to someone reading it. All the metaphor, its incredible.

Have a great weekend.

Wheels (Wings)

2008-02-01T18:33:00.000+05:30

Have you ever just been thrilled by a simple ride?

Lately just the ride to and from office is just euphoric, especially since they have done up the road near my place. Ah, the seriously dangerous bank angles you can get away with.

The amazing morning blue and evening orange sky do a lot to enhance the experience. Its a high. I was never into riding so much, totally into driving though, now I'm into both. Hah!!

Just the precise control you have and exercise gives you an immense rush. The power the bike gives to challenge the wind and of course lesser mortals on the road. ;-)

I don't know its a delightful pleasure. Imagine what a pilot feels! And to think I gave up, if not more at least, Mach 2. Did I actually give it up or was I not serious enough? I sometimes wonder how could I give up my "dream" to be an Air force Pilot so effortlessly after having almost got there. But that's all history now.

Have a great weekend and safe riding!

2008-02-01T18:32:00.000+05:30

Fianlly the period of indifference!!

Source of Life

2008-01-27T21:25:00.000+05:30

Atop A Hill

2008-01-24T13:33:00.000+05:30

I know not too many people fantasize about their death or even where they would die, but if you were given a choice to pick a place to die where would that be? For me that would atop a hill at sunset with gentle breeze.

Now you may wonder why was I thinking about my death, has something bad happened? No it hasn't.

There is a hill near my house which I until a few months ago used to climb ever evening before sundown. I recently went there after a very long gap. It wasn't one of my better days, and in my experience a walk on the hill is just what is required no matter how grave the problem, how glum your mood, or even how bad the weather. A friend and I eagerly await the monsoon rain and thunder for there is nothing like climbing the hill in that weather and being the only persons on top.

Anyway so there I was lying on rock and the breeze blowing away all my cares as the orange sun wished us well for the night and left the clouds golden and I realize that at that moment I was as content as you can get. I dint want anything at all and even if I did die right them, I wouldn't regret it. I realized I haven't got started on my to-do (read: must-do) list, in my lifetime and yet I would mind departing.

It is like you actually are away from "this Earth" and you've left your cares far behind. If you have a hill near your house climb it and spend some time in silence!!

2008-01-10T12:21:00.000+05:30

House

2008-01-06T20:32:00.000+05:30

I've been watching every episode of House M.D. like an addict craving his next hit, or so I assume. I've been living from episode to episode. Now that I've run out of episodes to watch for the moment, am trying to analyze the reasons why I identify so much with House. Almost all of my feeling, emotions, thought process and take on life are a subset of his, almost.

I'm an escapist and so is he. Both of us would rather leave confronting issues, its easier and safer. Whenever I try to confront something I definitely end up messing it up more than it was when I started out. Let me not go into all the other numerous things we share. The only issues I have with him, is that I wish I was as cool as him and that I don't think being like him would work in the actual world for our is not an ideal work. However much may be my love for idealism things seldom are.

The thing I crave after watching House is that one, at least one, thing that I would be insanely passionate about, in front of which everything else is meaningless. Something that I would have even if I lost everything else. The one thing that would make up for anything. There it is again, that ignorant idealism.

But if you don't have that one thing or those things, life seems really dull and rather purposeless and pointless.

2008-01-06T19:49:00.000+05:30

So its been a really weird weekend, Saturday was great, simple nice and balanced. Got up early, played badminton, went out of the way to help an old lady( which felt really nice), slept, watched TV. Sunday, not so ideal. Not that I wasn't happy but was a little pensive.

Every once in a while I wonder what is the purpose of my life or all our lives. I wonder why I'm doing the things I do, to what is it means to, to what end. It can't be just to be happy.

The way I see it is everything one does must have some purpose, it must have a reason, otherwise it has no meaning. So if everything you does has a meaning, your life has a reason a purpose. Unless you know what that purpose is, everything you do only has a pseudo purpose.

So why are we here?!

That TIme of The Year Again

2007-12-31T18:13:00.000+05:30

Once again the earth has circled the sun, and I find that a good part of 365 days were unutilized or ill utilized. But a lot has happen and a lot has changed and a lot has changed us.

A friend of mine asked me yesterday, when I told that her new year's eve wasn't a very big deal and its just a human system to keep time, that if you take away the interest from everything, what will be left in life to enjoy? i couldn't answer her then but it got me thinking and I realized that I give everyone the wrong impression when I say its not a big deal. What I mean to say is that I don't like to be all loud and celebrating. In fact I like my birthday and new year's eve is a change. My interpretations of them is a little different. To me they seem like any other days, so adding significance to specific days is up to you.

Anyway whatever! Have a great year ahead! May you achieve all you dreamed an hoped for and more!

Death

2007-12-23T19:08:00.000+05:30

I recently attended a funeral and it got me thinking of deaths of people closer to me. I began wondering would I really feel sad or break down into tears or just feel solemn. I'm sure I'll miss those people but I'm not sure I'll feel sad, for I see death as an escape from all this worldly concern, a release for this transitory phase.

While I was there everyone was about may the departed soul rest in peace, but I felt everyone else needed peace, the departed soul already obtain his peace. He was far away, unconcerned with any "worldly" woes, looking down at us and smirking at our ignorance.

But recently all my hypothesized theories are proving me false. I'm doing everything now that I once swore not to. So I'm really not sure what will happen at the actual moment when I'm faced with the situation.

Be happy and make most of your lives and repent nothing!

Loud Music

2007-12-16T01:06:00.000+05:30

I'm generally not fond of loud music especially not loud bass. It just doesn't agree with me. So I was at this wedding last night, and they had loud music. My first reaction is to find somewhere else to go till my mom is done being social and we can go home. Gradually as I sit there, with old ladies and persistent questions like I hope you're not getting too bored (rhetorical question aunty!!) I begin to notice a few people on the dance floor. The reason I looked there was there were more old couples grooving to the fast loud beats than young couples, so I see that how much they are enjoying themselves. They were so totally absorbed that the only phrase that comes to mind is, "dance like no one's watching". And I did start actually enjoying the loud thuds of the drum beats, yet I wasn't moved enough to go dance.

I have never really danced nor do I think I might but I began to wonder there is much to the "other" side of life, the side you're not on. How much do you actually miss out 'cause of a lot of say inhibitions, disinclination, plain ignorance and God knows what not.

I prefer calm and quiet but the amount of enjoyment the dancers seemed to attain got me very curious and made me wonder, am I missing out on something? So how do you know that you are adventurous enough to not miss a lot? Or you are never adventurous enough. This brings to mind an incident with a friend of mine who adhered by the idea, until recently, that drinking/getting drunk was a bad thing. Then she went and got drunk at a wedding and decided that it wasn't so bad after all.

Anyway a crowd is the best place to introspect for you don't know anyone there and you are left to your thoughts and especially when they crowding is doing something you are not "into". And in my case I begin seeing everything, including me, in third person perspective. It isn't as odd as it seems. Its obscurely interesting in fact.

Well as you can see this is not leading anywhere and I'm so hopelessly struggling to conclude this, that I'm going to leave it at that and let you make what you want of it.

Epilogue: Not so reticent

2007-12-13T09:59:00.000+05:30

I really dint believe she wouldn't wish me, but she dint even though we met yesterday evening. Even then I was certain I wouldn't be wished even before we met (meeting yesterday was just coincidental, we had other work), but also at the back of my mind I suspected the possibility of a "surprise".

But this morning things changed as my phone buzzed to wake me up. All of yesterday was only compliance to my wishes and gladness that the concept of "belated happy birthday" existed, and not offense. It was exploiting the loophole in the system. So at the end of the day she's still is part of the its-your-special-day-and-you-are-to-be-please, for God knows what reasons, regime albeit with a little more wit. I'm not comparing anyone (read: my friends) here, it just everyone has a different way of doing things, all of them at par.

All in all the whole episode had a few lessons to be learned some old, some new. As to whether they were learned or not, you'll have to wait till next year to find out, of course given the fortunes favour us. It's easier to learn new lessons than old ones, but I think we'd like to be around for some more time, wouldn't we?

Keeping it simple, to all my friends and family and everyone out there: Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

A taste of your own (proposed) medicine

2007-12-12T16:03:00.000+05:30

Have you ever been so full of bullshit and not realized it until someone smacked your face with it?

Since the past few days, the run up to my birthday, like every year I've been going on about how my birthday isn't such a big deal and how everyone seems to make a fuss about it being special and blah blah blah. And how I wouldn't mind if my friends dint wish and how I would feel happy if someone forgot. Well its all true. But one of my friends took it to heart and decided not to wish me at all. I've spoken to her a few times today and she hasn't wished, yet (I hope she doesn't for then this ode to her will be meaningless), and on confronting her proudly said she wont, since I so obviously dint like to be wished.

Now this should have made me really happy, but it dint, at least at first. Not that I was sad that she dint or wouldn't wish me, in fact far from it, but I wasn't, as predicted, over joyed with it. The most accurate description of what I felt would be: odd. Not for the reasons that seem obvious, but for the reason that I haven't encountered such a person till date who on being told wouldn't wish someone on their birthday. All my other friends maintain that it is a special day and its the time to be thankful and glad, etcetera and just refused to blind side the significance of this annual, once in a year event ;-). They almost took offense at the prospect of me switching off my phone on the eve of the big event. So I had never expected to come across someone who would take me seriously and not wish me, don't misunderstand me, I wanted to be taken seriously and still do, but dint think that would happen. So the reason I found it odd is 'cause of the shock of the revelation , by her act of not wishing, that I can, sometimes, be very idiotic and not all there, not the fact of not being wished. But I prefer to be full of bullshit, occasionally. I admire the resolve it may take to not say "Happy Birthday" or other greetings thereof. To have the boldness to say if you are being that stupid, then stupid gets what stupid deserves (wanted ;-) ) even if its your birthday. All I'd like to say to her would be sorry for the offense and I dint mean it personally or anything like that, I was just being plain old weird me.

Personally the fact that the earth has circled the sun one more time seems old news for its been happening for longer that we know and will happen for many more millennia is not a very big reason to "celebrate". But, on the other hand, the journey that you have taken in space and time, scientifically, is a rather inspiring though.

Thank you V, for being who you are!

2007-12-11T17:07:00.000+05:30

Why do I feel melancholy?

2007-12-10T20:38:00.000+05:30

I generally shirk away from too much company. I only like the company of a couple of people around me. Yet when I analyze the reason for writing a blog I come to the conclusion that primarily to say what I wouldn't aloud but secondarily to reach out to that person who would understand, if he exists. Who would say yes I understand what you mean.

It seems a little hypocritical, since I rant on about spending a quiet almost isolated life. I know that it would be very difficult to actually go ahead and do what I keep saying but what I imagine is a spouse and no one else. I mean there are times when you want some company, but it is only of certain people. Most times I'd like to be rather on my own but with the knowledge that there is someone who cares. And what do you do when people you'd go to the end of the world for come along only some part of the way?

I have every reason to be happy. I have everything one could ask for. Yet why am I melancholy?!

But anyway getting it out makes you feel better.

A universal dilemma

2007-12-03T21:21:00.000+05:30

What do you do when you like one of your friends. I mean you obviously you like your friends that is a reason they are so. But what do you do when one of them means more than just a friend.

The dilemma now is that do you tell her or you don't make your feelings known and continue with the good thing you have going on, for now. The thing is I don't really want to date/go around with her, yet. One reason for that is we most of the things you'd do if you were a couple the other being the risk scaring her away or making her uncomfortable around you.

But then when will it be time to tell her, if I'm serious I'll have to tell her some time. The thing is you really cant keep this thing in for too long. And that generally my everyday things are not interrupted by thoughts of the girls I've fancied (I haven't fancied that many just two before this). I only think of them when my mind is relatively vacant (my mind is vacant quite often). But this time it does but not so much. Anyway we shall hold out as long as possible.

A memorable evening

2007-12-03T20:46:00.000+05:30

Had a really nice evening with my friends yesterday. Meet up at a cafe caught up, talked some, got tease some (actually the two of them totally ganged up on me as they usually do, so I was prepared for it). The we took a walk down the main street, which on weekends is a walking plaza.

There was a crowd but it wasn't that bad. Noise and the amount of people were a little more than I'd like, but hell I had the company of two great girls, what can I complain about? We walked to and from a couple of times jabbering away and dint even realize.

But as usual I had to something stupid. I wont feel completeness if I some how don't ruin the perfectness of it all. No it isnt a big thing at all. Really small but fun. There was a gap for two and a little more people in the barricade to get across the road and all three of us were supposed to get through together and I ruined it by purposely going in first. That was an exceptional show of comfort by both of them and I'm a moron. As in we are mentally comfortable with each other but this was somewhat of the physical nature. But its okay.

All in all it was an ideal evening. Just as I had imagined it. I had imagined to get here earlier but we are here, finally! One of the memorable days of my life.

2007-12-03T11:12:00.001+05:30

2007-11-28T14:35:00.001+05:30

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist.
- Aaron Machado

The Explanation

2007-11-28T13:02:00.001+05:30

by Rudyard Kipling

Love and Death once ceased their strife
At the Tavern of Man's Life.
Called for wine, and threw -- alas! --
Each his quiver on the grass.
When the bout was o'er they found
Mingled arrows strewed the ground.
Hastily they gathered then
Each the loves and lives of men.
Ah, the fateful dawn deceived!
Mingled arrows each one sheaved;
Death's dread armoury was stored
With the shafts he most abhorred;
Love's light quiver groaned beneath
Venom-headed darts of Death.

Thus it was they wrought our woe
At the Tavern long ago.
Tell me, do our masters know,
Loosing blindly as they fly,
Old men love while young men die?

Companionship

2007-11-23T00:21:00.000+05:30

A not so recent conversation I had with a friend of mine, about not minding spending your life alone. I had wanted to write this then but could get around to it. So when my sister and me had a lengthy discussion about the whole thing which made very little headway since both of us knew what the other was going to say and that despite understanding the other's view point hold our own ground, at least for now. What the future holds only time can tell.

Anyway we are going off the topic. So the concept is that as long as you have something to do, something to keep you busy, you would not feel lonely or desolate. But as I analyzed it a little further I came to certain observation; accepted that as long as you are busy you wouldn't need that special some one but you do want some companion, a best friend, a sister, a brother, who ever. Some one who may be cared, who felt joy when you did and saw the world like you saw it. Someone who gave you joy and sometimes you did things just to make them happy, for their happiness was yours. No one wants to be alone all the time, not even loners. Neither me nor my friend would be able to be alone without the people we share things with (read our lives), we just dint associate companionship with those people. We misrepresented the meaning of alone. I guess what we were talking about was alone but those people, but not in the life partner sense.

What we do, at least I do, realize that you cant live alone. For some unknown reason we want a witness in our lives, something to measure our lives with or against. I know we want a witness because when I feel immense joy I want that someone who understood and felt joy like me. But why is the eternal question!

As my sister said, and hope she's right and that it is so easy, it'll just happen. She may have not changed my stance yet, but its a step and if she reads this she'll be happy that I've taken that step.

I'm sorry for I have lived up to the description of incoherent, but part blames lies with the undefinable nature of the subject (actually it doesn't, I'm just trying to cover up my ineptitude).

I know I not one of the expressive people out there but what the hell I'm not competing with anyone, none the less I'd like to be articulate. Some day! Again just to make me feel better, I do come up with some thing decent once in a while(there it is again that make belief life of yours, sugar coated untruths, things you wish you were but aren't). Bloody escapist!

You can run but you cant hide. I hope whoever you are you aren't trying to make sense of this, there isn't any. It just proves only one thing, my life isn't all it could be. But then that isn't such a surprise me being the lazy idealist I am. But having said that life is still good and fun!!

I make all this big talk about wanting to be alone, but its all hollow. Here I am publishing this in the hope of reaching out in the void. I may have not advertised this but I'm hoping people stumble upon it. Why do I reach out for that touch, that witness?! Anyway if you don't know what hypocrisy looks like here it is, staring both of us in the face.

2007-11-22T13:43:00.001+05:30

"Let us rise up and be thankful; for if we didn't learn a lot today, at
least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we
didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us
all be thankful."
Buddha

Paradise Unlost

2007-11-21T00:22:00.000+05:30

You remember the barrier I was telling you about, I have often experienced that it is porous many a times and you may steal a way in only for a little while though. Well not so little until you but you are locked out again.

Basically you insecure bastard!! You go around the world world telling people that its just insecurity and that you slowly get over but you're just a hypocrite shit. Anyway since I was "smart" enough to post the previous post, I shall admit my shitty-ness.

Be strong!

Paradise Lost

2007-11-20T18:37:00.000+05:30

I shall present you with a situation.

There is a particular paradise you see and would like to reach it.

What do you mean why, 'cause its a paradise idiot, who wouldn't want to reach any paradise. But there is a little catch, the centre of the paradise is surrounded by mines!

You dint know about he mines until you got a little closer towards the paradise. You see that there is one person at the centre of the paradise, also there is place for more and that person doesn't mind sharing the paradise with you. Despite that your aim is not to share the paradise with that person but to reach the centre. You don't mind the person as he doesn't mind you. You do not know the person yet.

You decided that the paradise was worth trudging through the mine field. Initially crossing the mine field is simpler but gradually progresses as you advance. Crossing the mine is fun in its own as it is a part of the paradise. So you go on. At a crucial stage you blow up a couple of mines, but you aren't hurt severely and you recover well enough, or, you are hurt severely and you don't know it yet but as a result of that something happens that you don't know about yet.

Anyway so you stumble along with injuries and they heal with time. Also as you progress closer to the centre you are able to communicate with the person inside and realize you like the person at the centre, just to be clear your aim is still the paradise not the person. Suddenly you come across a glass barrier that surrounds the centre of the paradise. You try everything, going around looking over and even under to see if there is a way, you are almost there but for the barrier. There is noway in, or so it seems. You wonder was his barrier a result of blowing up the mines? You are not sure and think it could and couldn't be. The only thing you are prohibited from is to ask the person inside for help. So you wonder how did the person inside get there? Did he have a barrier to magically cross too, for you can see that he also blew up at least one mine.

Well since you cant get inside you feel, alright so far in isn't bad too. And you settle for that spot. At this point a complication is introduced the more time you spend at the barrier it keeps becoming translucent and it'll become opaque eventually. So the view to the paradise is slowly diminishing. Now you have two choices ahead of you both equally unbearable, unless by some miracle you are admitted in: you wait and take as much of the paradise as you can till the barrier becomes opaque and be content with getting here or you stop and return out. If you are returning out you are allow to skip the mine field. Once the barrier becomes opaque the paradise outside the barrier has no meaning.

So to me both the options yield the same result. And neither is bearable for you have worked hard to get here and you can't see losing it nor walk away from it. What should you do?

This is a very stupid piece and doesn't belong here, but it has served its purpose!

Be happy!

"I Don't Know You Anymore"

2007-11-20T14:36:00.001+05:30

I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldnt have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It dont matter
Ill be courageous if you can pretend that youve forgiven me

Because I dont know you anymore
I dont recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We dont talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldnt give to see your face again

Springtime in the city
Always such relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold
If you know what I mean
Everyones got an agenda dont stop
Keep that chin up youll be all right
Can you believe what a year its been
Are you still the same
Has your opinion changed

cause I dont know you anymore
I dont recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We dont talk much anymore
We keep running from these sentences
But what I wouldnt give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
Ive paid the price
Im still paying for it every day

So maybe I shouldnt have called
Was it too soon to tell
Oh what the hell
It doesnt really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name
Has your opinion changed

Because I dont know you anymore
I dont recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We dont talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldnt give to see your face again

I see your face
I see your face

To my sister who wants me to be wacky in my blog. Just for you Di!

2007-11-16T02:26:00.000+05:30

Thank you Bill Watterson for presenting me my ideals and someone who I aspire to.
And to my sister: Thank you so much for telling me neither of them reminds you of me, very comforting that was. =)

The Gift of Vision

2007-11-16T01:52:00.001+05:30

Have you ever tried to walk across your room in the dark? How many times have you stumbled, hit your knee on the table or bumped your toe and it really hurt and said damn the light? Was it then that you realized that you feel so handicapped without the faculty of sight, or are we so used to taking it for granted that it still dint strike you.

Coming to my point.

How do you draw something you have never seen? Never. Let alone something you haven't seen, have you ever tried to draw something you have seen but blind folded or with your eyes closed. Nine out of ten chances are your drawing would end up in the bin not resembling anything what so ever. Well I've just come back from an art exhibition where drawings were sold, no auctioned at Rs 10,000/- upwards. The only thing out of ordinary was that the people who drew them were blind children. Who dint even have the means to know how a bird looked like. His/her teacher had to present a model of a bird to him so he could form an image of it by touch. Yet how would you present a model to children who wanted to draw a sketch titled "My Village", or "Traffic", or "Crowd", or "Wind". Has any person with sight had the vision to draw the wind?!! Yet the blind have achieved it! With only an image of words, they have heard or read. If it weren't so expense, I certainly would have bought a drawing titled, "The Grass Land". It truly depicted a calm and serene meadow (I did buy a T-Shirt though).

There was also a video of how the children drew using a finger to keep reference of points occasionally. Most of the time they drew free hand! How would you think the child imagined what he was drawing? What was going through his mind when he was giving a larger than life smile while he was posing with his sketch for a picture he'd never be able to see of a drawing he'd never be able to see?!! It makes you realize how arrogant you are of your "good" vision. How much you take it for granted. It totally was a humbling experience and one that made you grateful for all the gifts you take for granted, for little mercies of life. However, you would have to be there to feel what I speak of.

The child will receive 85% of the price of the drawing with advice on investing it for the future.

The blind, I discovered, have more vision than the seeing.

Abstract art: This picture may not be articulate, but its more than that its imaginative and contemplative, many of them where articulate too. This is the one I liked the most.

Friends

2007-11-15T00:21:00.000+05:30

Why do we long for some people so much that they end up on your mind when ever your not doing something. No, I'm not talking of a boyfriend or girlfriend, just a friend that you associate with. And when you know that it wont be possible for many valid as well as invalid reasons. But after some time as you realize that its ok at least you have the pleasure of their company however so infrequently. and though you'd still want to spend as much time as possible with them you aren't so desperate. Your just glad that you have them.

Related to friendship what do you do when you feel that you aren't able to talk to your best friend, as in on a regular basis as you did. You dont have too much to talk about. But when every you do speak or text each other it gives you a lot of joy. So much so that you end up reading or repeating things said in your mind again and again. And you feel you are the only one feeling the loss. My diagnosis of the issue is that, part of the problem lies in not receiving an enthusiastic response when you reach out, which has accumulated over sometime. And also when someone with a little, well maybe not that little, seniority is receiving an enthusiastic response. Makes you feel no matter how much you invest this is how far you'll get. A glass ceiling. And as another blogger has aptly put it, “.. People change, so how can friendships be expected not to..”. Though he was speaking about a different kind of friendship it applies to a larger general set of friendships, “.. friendships come with an expiry date..”. Anyway words are often exaggerating.

But whatever I'm clearly not coherent today. So we shall drop the matter here. Also 'cause this is of no consequence.

Happiness

2007-11-11T01:46:00.000+05:30

I thought I had left behind my midnight brooding behind when I took up my current job. But I soon discovered that there are holidays too. Specially like Diwali, long ones, which leave you almost unoccupied and restless at night when you have no one to talk to (read disturb). So you end up feeling this void in you which you cant define nor understand.

Then you begin to think about what is it that you want from your life? Or what does anyone want from their life? What is the reason, purpose? Many people would say the purpose of life is to live but sometimes you cant help but wonder that isn't it the other way around. That isn't the reason you have to live 'cause you are alive? What I mean is that the reason you have to fill the gap between the two certainties, birth and death, is you being alive. Or would you say that you were born for a purpose? If so, what would that purpose be? How would one go about discovering it if you don't already know it? Boy, so may questions, reminds me off my SSB interview, where the interviewee asked me about 10 question and said "ok so I've asked you a whole lot of questions, you may begin when you're ready." (like I remember all of them and ya I can really take my time to start answering)!

What are we looking for in our lives? What are our goals? What is to be the end product of more than half a century? I believe, or at least I think I believe, that we want to be happy at the end of are lives, content and without regret. But that I think would be getting a little to idealistic. So lets say achieve that as close as possible to the ideal value, or make peace with what you have achieved.

Logically the question would follow what makes you happy? It could be a whole lot of things, some easily attainable some not so, and some rather difficult. The crux of the point I'm trying top make is, we go through life beginning with school, then college and then a job. After that you may marry and settle down or just settle down but is being happy the only end to this besides earning the means to get to the end?

In this journey we have a lot of companions. What do we need form them? Why do we at certain times long for them so desperately. Or do we experience our lives with them as witnesses? Are they mirrors that show us what we are? But do we really see what the mirror shows or see what we want to see.

We want to be certain person throughout are life, many a times we pretend to be certain people if not wholly at least partly. But how can we fool ourselves, or does pretending eventually lead to believing.

At the onset of my adult life I don't have any answers to the questions I have asked but I do hope to discover the answers along the way and I hope they are satisfying. I hope I have asked all the questions that must be asked at the beginning rather than the end when most of it is lost.

To conclude in the words of John Denver:

"Lost and alone on some forgotten highway
Travelled by many remembered by few
Lookin for something that I can believe in
Lookin for something that Id like to do with my life

Theres nothin behind me and nothin that ties me
To somethin that might have been true yesterday
Tomorrow is open and right now it seems to be more
Than enough to just be there today.."

Just an inside joke, if you get it you are well read: This post was inspired by Peter Keating. (Assuming that people stumble upon my blog and actually take the time to go through my rambling.)

What does a festival mean?

2007-11-10T22:09:00.000+05:30

Until last year I generally dint mind all our festivals, I'm particularly speaking about Ganesh Utsav and Diwali, and I was a little enthusiastic but only up to a certain extend (read hardly so). But this year onwards I just cant stand them, the only thing they seem to mean to me is noise, crowds, unpleasant obligations and guests and not to mention unusual, well not unusual since I'm regularly expected to do them but dont so I thing the word would be, more house chores.

What does Lord Ganesh have to do with Himesh or anyone for that matter, unless of course he's a judge in come singing competition in which Himesh is participating. HE hardly needs to be entertained? If its you who want to be entertained why use HIM as an excuse. Also many a times I see that a lot of things happen in the name of the festival that shouldn't. Any way i was supposed to post this long ago, and did so have lost the flow of thought that I had when the issuse was fresh, so we'll leave it here.

Have fun. Be happy!